Monday, September 1, 2014

Good morning!


Good morning!  It's been a few months since I sat down to blog...for one reason or another it has not been a priority.  This weekend blogging has been on my mind.  A lot.  Then I picked up an issue of Artful Blogger and I couldn't even get through the whole thing before I had to race to the computer and start again.  Sometimes I just work like that.

I went to France in July.  Specifically Paris.  I feel many different, contradictory things about my week there...comfortable... yet uncomfortable, leisurely...yet hectic, bound by my own insecurity...yet free.  I went on an art retreat, where I didn't know anyone.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I had met the teacher at the art class I went to in May.  I told people I was nervous, but really, I wasn't.  I felt strangely flat about the whole thing.  I'm not sure how to explain that better.  Sure, it was great I was getting to go to Paris, but going alone was not exactly ideal.  I honestly did not feel that I was qualified to be going on an art retreat, but I went anyway.

I am so glad I did!  I met a wonderful group of women...11 of us. Plus Jane & her husband Angus.  While some were more advanced, most of us were novice artists.  That relieved a great deal of anxiety for me.  The trip was more about the beauty and the art of Paris than about our own art work.  We rode segeways, bikes and trains...we walked a million miles.  We stopped to sketch buildings (my least favorite activity...sketching on the fly).  We went from 9 am until 2 am most days.  It was hectic, but amazing!  I adored the museums.  The chats when it was just a few of us.  While I enjoyed everyone's company, I feel like I made a true friend with Justine.  It's a shame we are worlds away, with her living in Australia and me in Arizona.  We clicked.  If she lived here, I would consider her one of my best friends...odd for me in such a short time, but lovely none the less.

Justine and I had conversations about work, family, life.  It was with her that I realized why I was so stuck in my creativity.  I feel like if I make something I have to sell it.  If I want to create, there must be a purpose.  For the joy of it is not an option.  Maybe this comes from 9 years of being a scrapbook store owner, I don't know.  But I feel this incredible pressure when I try to make anything.  It must be perfect right out of the pen/paint/pencil.  I cannot create unless I set up an etsy shop.  I am in a job that is not my life's work.  At times it sucks the life out of me.  I feel like I need to create art to bring in income so I can leave my job, but feel that my art is not worthy.  It is a vicious cycle that has been an elephant on my chest.  Letting go of having a purpose for creating is so freeing!

For now, I am just exploring art.  Experiencing what comes out.  Good.  Bad.  Ugly.  Fabulous.  Whatever it is, my goal this month is to accept it and just create.

I will leave you with one of my favorite photos from Paris:

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