pages

Monday, January 3, 2011

A little faith

I have been ridiculously sick with a cold since last Wednesday. I keep telling myself, you're not getting sick, you're not getting sick, but it's not working. I can't breathe & I sound like I have an aquarium in my lungs. I cannot even get out of bed without taking a handful of ibuprofen. And I'm not sleeping.  Between the coughing, the weird dreams & the uncertainty I feel, sleeping is just not happening.  And I'm going to have to stop watching tv before bed...at least reality tv.  Saturday night I watched a little of Sister Wives, which is just wrong & then I dreamed about them all night.  Last night I watched a few minutes of Jerseylicious, it too, is just wrong, & then dreamed about it all night.

Lately, instead of "aha moments" I've been having lots of "what the hell have I done!" moments. My gut feeling is that selling the store is the right thing to do. I'm tired. I'm burned out. I seem to have lost my passion for being a business owner. Then someone says or does something sweet & I wonder what on earth am I thinking? How could I sell my store? What am I doing?  Why do I want to be an employee again?  I think most of my fear comes from not having a job to go straight to.  I know I can get a job.  I'm not worried about that.  Honestly, I need a break. A nice, long break. But I'm not sure how much of a break we can afford. In a perfect world, the new owner would decide she'd rather not have me carry & just give me a check for the whole amount. That would alleviate much of the fear & anxiety that I have. I'm sure that's not realistic, but a girl can dream, can't she?

On a positive note, I've come up with my One Little Word for 2011.  It's faith.  It's time for me to have faith in myself.  Faith that things will work out.  I'm making myself a dream board with my word & my goals for 2011.  Don wants to go to Hawaii for our 20th anniversary in September, so there's a photo of Hawaii.  I put a bunch of Monopoly money on it to signify my new income.  I want to learn to sew again (yes, I forgot...I'm not even sure I know how to turn my sewing machine on).  I want to learn Photoshop.  I want to travel.  I want to find my creative place (mine...not someone elses...not something that customers want...mine).  I want to be unburdened by the constant stress I'm under.  I want to be debt free by the time Don retires.  I want to spend more time with my family.  I want to be a better wife.  A better mother.  A better friend.  A better Aunt.  I want to spruce up my house.  I want to be a better homemaker.  I think I want to sell creations on Etsy.  I need less distraction in my life.  Twitter & Facebook will be going away...or I'll be weeding out those that no longer interest me.  And you know what?  I have faith that it'll all work out for me.  I do.  I really do.

I'm putting this on my dream board (It's from Dear Abby, 1/1/11):

Just for Today: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once.  I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for Today: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

Just for Today: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.

Just for Today: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

Just for Today: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I’ll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking.

Just for today: I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.

Just for Today: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I’m a smoker, I’ll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully—if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it’s only around the block.

Just for Today: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

2 comments:

  1. Dear Ashley,
    I think the trick is doing just what your intending to do...Moving foward. I love that you have plans, we have to have stuff ti look forward to. The selling of your stpre, it sounds to me like you did what you needed to do now ou just need to put it in Gods hands. Just say here God I made my choice now I am handing my burden over to you. Thats what I do when I just canr. I have to tell you last week was one of the hardest I have gone through but I am still here..So focus on getting healthy so you can start sewing..I am excited to see what happens from here..It can only get better we just need to be our own number one fans...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks, Gloria. I find you to be inspirational on so many levels! You have no idea....Kirsten

    ReplyDelete